Needing timing alone in a polyamorous relationship

I love living in my triad, but I find that I sometimes crave some alone time, maybe more so than before we moved in together. Is this weird or what?

—SeekingLiteralCloset
Yours is a common reaction. Wherever each of us is located on the extrovert/introvert scale, everyone wants some mix of social time and alone time. Because life in a triad (or larger poly family) inevitably throws us into contact with our partners more than in a couple or single life, and also more intense contact (because of the need for all those family meetings to sort out issues and the calendar), it seems inevitable that we’ll want to balance that with some time now and then just to read a book or take a solo bike ride or surf the web.

So there’s not a thing wrong with wanting that alone time; indeed, you and your partners might want to talk about it and build that into your family life, in whatever way works best for you. Taking those bike rides or walks alone is one obvious way. If you like time alone at home, maybe you could make signs that read “Do Not Disturb”, which you could hang on the door.

The difference between polyamory and swinging

My bf and I have done a little casual sexual playing with a couple who are close friends. They are in a swinging group and they asked us if we’d like them to invite us to a party. We didn’t give them a definite answer right then, because I don’t think I’d really relate well to a big group scene full of casual acquaintances or even total strangers. Am I being anti-poly?

—ReluctantGroupie

Polyamory and swinging are more different than alike, though both obviously include the element of agreeing to sex with other than one’s committed partner, as long as everyone knows what’s going on and agrees. You have highlighted one of the more fundamental differences between polyamory and swinging, that swinging is first and foremost about “recreational sex” (a term that swingers themselves use sometimes), minimizing or even avoiding emotional attachment to one’s sex partners of the moment, while polyamory focuses primarily on emotional connectedness, with sex as an accepted option.

That said, there is overlap. Many self-idenfitied swingers do form closer caring relationships with one or a few other swing club members and seek each other out at the parties. Many who call themselves polyamorists can enjoy a one-night stand or a hot orgy as well as forming caring partnerships that can include sex. There are lesser, secondary differences as well.

The polyamory community as a whole does not look down on swinging as somehow wrong or inappropriate; it’s just not where most of us want to go. You like tennis; I enjoy bowling. A fair number of people are active in both poly and swinging communities.

If your bf agrees, you might accept your friends’ invitation to try a swinging party, to see if you like it. (Just be sure you insist on protection with anyone you hook up with there.) Then you and your bf can talk about whether you want to continue with that or keep your focus just on the polyamory community and your local polyamory social group, or do both.

Can polyamory help my strained marriage?

My wife and I have been together 5 years, married 3. We’re feeling some strains in the relationship. I’m thinking that if we brought in someone else as a polyamorous lover, or one for each of us, that would add new zest to our own relationship and help restore the good times that we knew before. Do you agree?

—BumpingAlong

Not a good idea. Polyamory really needs a stable “primary” relationship (your home relationship) as a solid base. If you and your wife are experiencing some strains, as you say, bringing in a third person will more likely than not just lead to more serious problems between the two of you, rather than smoothing out the bumps.

Restoring your former good feelings is certainly a great goal to strive for, and should be doable with some sincere work by both of you. Be sure you are both communicating your feelings thoroughly with each other. Invite each other to share any hitherto unrevealed secrets, with a mutual promise not to blow up but to listen and understand with love and compassion. Read (together) some books on twosome relationship guidance. A professional relationship counselor might help. When your twosome relationship feels like it’s on solid ground and you’re both confident that you’ll want to keep going for the long haul, then and only then would be the time for the two of you to talk about whether you’d like to open your relationship to possible additional partners.

Of course after the two of you have worked through your issues, you may decide that polyamory is not the best course for the strength and health of your marriage, and your personal preferences. Active polyamorists generally agree that polyamory is not for everyone.

How do I choose who will father my children in a polamorous relationship?

My husband and I are in a triad with another man. So far there are no kids, but we might want to do that. How do we sort out who becomes the biological father?

—Between2Guys
One might think that as a general practice the legal husband in a long-standing MFM triad would do the honors in providing the genes for little one(s), but as with everything else in polyamory, practice varies. Yes, some do it that way. If more than one child is desired, the husband may father the first child, the other man the second.

I’ve heard of MFM triads who say, “We don’t know, and we don’t care which of our male partners fathered our child. We all love the child as any parent would.” That’s great, but there can occasionally be times when the genetic parentage is relevant, say, for inherited diseases. Of course, if such an issue arises in an MFM triad in which biological parentage is not known, DNA testing can provide the answer.

I know a married couple who lived a number of years with another guy, and the other guy fathered their one child. When he recently chose to separate, the child stayed with his mother and her husband. It appeared to me to be a healthy family. The boy, now 10, considers that he has two fathers, and often visits with his now separated bio father, as well has having his other father at home.

In another MFM triad, the original couple wanted children, but the man turned out to be unable to father children, because of a low sperm count. They brought in another male partner so they could have children, in addition to wanting to live in a triad. It worked: The female partner soon got pregnant by the new guy, with the original guy’s blessing and encouragement, and they were all happy.

So, as in other poly situations, the choice is yours as to which male partner in your triad fathers your kid (or the first one), or whether you want to leave that to chance.

Limiting sex with others in a polyamorous relationship

I am in a newly forming triad. One of us wants to keep the sex just within our own threesome family. To me this seems somehow contrary to the spirit of polyamory. Am I being nitpicky?

—Half&Half

As it happens, many poly triads do have that agreement to limit sex to within the family—and there is actually a word for it, “polyfidelity” (“polyfidelitous” in the adjective), or just “polyfi” for short. Polyfidelity is considered one variety of polyamory.

There can be various reasons for choosing polyfidelity. One is, of course, that by avoiding sexual contact with outsiders, and if the three of you are all tested disease-free, then you can be almost totally confident that you will not be contracting any STIs, as much so as for a mono couple (who don’t “cheat”). It may also be that with the sexual opportunities within a triad (or larger primary poly family), no one in the family will feel a desire for still more sexual involvements.

In the end, as usual, it boils down to what the three of you want. Yes, there are many polyfidelitous triads, but there are also many triads that are open to outside sex as well. (My own triad is in the latter group. It works for us.)

Since you mentioned that “one of you” wants to keep the sex at home but you implied that you feel otherwise, this may become an issue for your triad. As you discuss it among yourselves, see if you can find a position that you all can at least live comfortably with. How strongly do you really want the privilege of sex with others? Or might the person who prefers polyfidelity accept openness for you with a firm promise from you (say) to choose your other sex partners carefully and then always to use condoms? Talk it through (lovingly) among the three of you.

Why relationship agreements help polyamorous arrangements work

My wife and I agreed to open our relationship and become polyamorous. In time we each had another lover. Then it came out, though, that my wife was sharing unprotected sex with her other guy. This shocked and upset me, because I figured that just from common sense she’d use condoms, for STI protection, even though we never explicitly talked about it. (She’s on the pill for pregnancy protection.) Should I make an issue of this? Is there any point at this late date to ask my wife to start using condoms with this particular lover?

—ChickenLittle

It isn’t enough for a couple simply to agree that sex with others is okay, and stop there. There are many details that should also be discussed, with agreement reached. Condom use is certainly one of the biggies.

A relationship agreement can be helpful even among monamorous (sexually exclusive) couples, to head off disputes and arguments later on because of lack of understanding. When practicing any variety of polyamory, a relationship agreement comes close to being essential.

Should you make the agreement written or oral? It may seem contentious or legalistic to write down your agreement. But human memory is notoriously faulty. Even with the best of intentions, we forget details or remember details differently from what was actually agreed. For these reasons I strongly favor writing agreements down.

Of course you can always change your agreement at any time. This includes changing what you may have said to each other during wedding vows. Maybe it was right for you at the time of the wedding, but you may feel differently now. The relationship is yours and yours alone (as long as the best interests of any kids are met, needless to say); it isn’t controlled by clergy or the government. So you can make of it what you want, but just be sure you discuss and agree on the details.

Use of protection with other lovers is probably the most common provision of agreements between poly partners. I agree with your “common sense” that condom use should be the default when sharing sex with others who also enjoy multiple sexual relationships. But never make assumptions. Some poly partners decide to use condoms with others every time, no exceptions. Some allow for case-by-case exceptions, based on a person’s history and on clean test results.

Something else that should go into your agreement is how much information you each agree to share: the mere existence of an outside relationship? Name? Meet first? Different polyamorists do that different ways, but again, you should come to some agreement so as to avoid unpleasant surprises.

Is there any point, you ask, in asking your wife and her other lover to start condom use at this late date? Yes. She might have just been lucky in not contracting something that he might have. Or he might pick something up from someone else in the future (since he’s already shown a willingness to go skin-to-skin), then pass it on to your wife, who could pass it to you. So unless you and your wife are satisfied that the other guy is clean and will stay that way, she and he should start using condoms now. And sit down and make that relationship agreement!

Dealing with jealousy in polyamorous relationships

The idea of polyamory for my wife and myself sounds good to me in my head, but then when I actually contemplate her being sexual with another guy, I get pangs of jealousy. For this reason we’ve never actually tried it, even though I love my wife dearly and so I don’t want to fence her in. Should I just swallow my feelings and smile and pretend that everything is sweetness and light?

—GreenEyes
The simple answer to your question, GE, is, no, you should not just swallow your feelings. That’s always a bad idea (whether jealousy or other emotions), because they’ll eat away at you physically as well as emotionally, and they’ll pop out eventually, maybe in a bigger and very unpleasant way. Express yourself.

The good news is that jealousy is not innate; it’s learned, and therefore can be unlearned. Jealousy itself is not a basic emotion, but is a combination of other feelings, typically fear (of abandonment or loss), insecurity, low self-esteem, and the like.

That said, you didn’t comment on how solid your relationship with your wife is. Maybe it feels sorta tenuous to you, so you feel that you have good reason to fear that you might lose your wife if she gets emotionally and physically close with someone else. So, as your first step I’d suggest sitting down with your wife and talking about just how secure your twosome relationship is. If there are any concerns, big or little, work through them. There are zillions of guidebooks out there for improving relationships. Most of them have good, sound advice (unless, of course, they claim that sexual exclusivity is the only healthy model for a relationship). There are also many good relationship counselors, though of course you’d want to pick one who accepts the validity of polyamory.

Then if you’re confident that your home relationship is on solid ground, and you still feel jealousy, you can address that issue, exploring why it’s popped up in you, and work to grow beyond it.

Polyamorous with kids -- should we keep it a secret?

My husband and I have kids ages 10 and 8. We both have secondary sweeties. How can we best keep inappropriate information about our outside relationships from our children?

—PolyParents
Children are amazingly astute about picking up things that they aren’t being told, or contrary to what they’re told. If there’s a conflict between what they’re told and what they see, they’ll believe what they see (and wonder what awful secret their parents are trying to keep from them by hiding it or lying about it).

For children such as yours who are too young to understand romance and sex yet, a good approach when referring to this other person that Mommy or Daddy often talks to on the phone and goes out with a lot is to refer to them as “special friends”. Little kids understand the concept of “special friends”; they often have special friends themselves.

As children pass puberty and come to understand sex, I feel it is better to be clear and open with them about any sexual component in our relationships with those “special friends”, while honoring privacy expectations. Again, if we cover it up, the kids will wonder why their parents are being secretive. It also sends the wrong message that polyamory is somehow shameful. Mommy and Daddy love each other a lot, and one way they show this to each other is by sharing sex. Mommy also cares a lot for her “special friend Joe”, so she and he like to share sex too. And because Daddy loves Mommy so much, he’s happy that Mommy is getting this extra joy in her life. (Thus children also learn about compersion.)

As children become mature enough to understand sex, they’re also mature enough to understand that not all information should be blabbed to friends, grandparents, teachers, etc., if you are trying to stay partially or totally in the poly closet (and sometimes there are good reasons to do so), as well as just to honor other people’s privacy. In this way your kids will come to have a healthy and realistic understanding about what polyamory is (and is not).

Is polyamory still cheating if we both agree to it?

My wife has suggested that we open our relationship to polyamory, but I was raised to believe that cheating is flat wrong. Am I being a fuddy-duddy?

—OldFashioned


“Cheating” means going against the agreed rules or one’s personal vows or agreements. If a couple has vowed to stay sexually exclusive, then sex between either of them and anyone else is cheating. But if they have a different agreement, then what is or is not cheating is also different.

Agreements aren’t always explicit. As two people move beyond the first date toward becoming an established couple, certainly they should at some point sit down and come to some explicit agreements about how they’ll conduct their relationship, including whether or not they’ll be monamorous (sexually exclusive) or polyamorous, and with what conditions. But, alas, this does not always happen. As that couple relationship becomes more firmly established, if no explicit agreement is made, a tacit assumption often gradually arises that neither will indulge in sex with anyone else, just because for a long time that has been the cultural norm. It then becomes a shock and a severe strain on the relationship (maybe breaking it irrevocably) when contrary facts come out.

Never make assumptions: it’s relationship poison. Always talk things out in advance, and come to an explicit agreement.

Let’s say that you and your partner have made promises of exclusivity at some point in the past. Maybe it was in your wedding vows (“forsaking all others”), or you just sat down and agreed to that. Polyamory does not say that people should follow their whim of the moment, ignoring vows or agreements, and damn the consequences. Indeed, the two cornerstones of polyamory are openness and honesty. Stick by your agreements, or change them together if you feel they no longer serve you. If you go behind your partner’s back, that is not polyamory. It’s still cheating, and you were raised well to know not to do that.

So is it possible for a polyamorist to cheat? Certainly, by going against whatever agreements have been made with partners. A common poly agreement is condom use with anyone outside the partnership. So, if the agreement between primary partners A and B calls for protection with others, and if A goes skin-to-skin with a secondary C without first clearing it with B, that’s cheating. But the act of sex itself between A and C is not cheating because A and B have agreed to that, with any limitations specified.

We want to form a polyamorous triad, but we're all straight

I’m a straight poly male. My wife, another woman, and I all love each other and want to form a triad, but the women are also both straight, and so they are not interested in sex with each other. Would this triad be doomed? —InTheMiddle


Not at all. Polyamory is first and foremost about the emotional aspect, the loving feelings, which you’ve said you all feel in all combinations. That’s the essential ingredient. Who shares sex with whom and under what circumstances, or not at all, is secondary. There are numerous successful triads in which the partners of the same gender share sex not with each other but only with their shared partner of the other gender. The nonsexual partners still have a strong caring bond between them. There can even be asexual triads.

In your situation, your two women might enjoy giving you sexual pleasure simultaneously, even though not pleasuring each other. That’s one option. Or you can enjoy twosomes with each of them separately. And then the three of you can enjoy nonsexual activities all together, living together or not.

The same principle would apply, of course, if the genders were reversed from your own situation—one woman with two straight male lovers. I’ve also heard of other “V” combinations, such as a lesbian, a bi woman, and a man.

It's polyamory, not polygamy

When I told a friend that I have a wife and a girlfriend, he asked, “Oh, so you’re a polygamist?” How can I respond to such a misunderstanding? 
—NotIntoHarems

Alas, some people confuse polyamory with polygamy (and polygamy with polygyny). There are several fundamental differences, which you can explain when you get a comment like that.

For starters, polyamory is totally egalitarian among the genders. Polyamorous women can and do have loving relationships with multiple men as much as men have relationships with women. With a poly MF couple, the man sometimes has an outside relationship, or the woman, or both. There are many polyamorous FMF triads, but also many MFM triads (and MMM and FFF triads among gays and lesbians). There are also larger poly groupings, cohabiting or not, comprised of four or more, in all the gender combinations, involved with each other sexually in all the mathematical permutations, depending on orientation and personal desire.

So, polyamory is the practice of multiple emotionally loving relationships, with honesty and full communication, and those relationships may include sex as desired and agreed. Nothing is said of gender. In contrast, polygamy as practiced now or in the past by some religious groups or other cultures typically has entailed the right of men to have multiple wives or female partners, but the women are not allowed the same right to take on two or more male partners. Strictly speaking, this is “polygyny”. (The opposite is “polyandry”, a woman having two or more male partners, which has also been practiced in some places in some periods.)

Also, polygamy is about multiple marriages (or equivalent committed relationships). Polyamory also encompasses long-term committed relationships but can include less involved “secondary” or dating relationships as well (we might say “relationships lite”), where there is a commitment to treating each other fairly and honestly but not necessarily an expectation of long duration, sharing finances and residence, and all that.

Being fair in polyamorous relationships

My bf and I are talking about trying polyamory.   I’m bi; he’s straight.   He wants the freedom to have relationships with other women that include sex, but he says he only wants me to share sex with other women, not other men.   This hardly seems fair to me.

—Unequal Treatment


In this sort of situation, yes, it’s easy to say that this is not at all fair to you, and I agree. “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander” (and vice versa). On the other hand, the bottom line is that if everyone agrees, and no one is being hurt, then there’s nothing wrong. “Consenting adults” and all that.

But presumably you’ve already raised the fairness issue with your guy, and it didn’t get you anywhere. We need to look under the surface to explore why he takes this position. He may be fearful of losing you if you share sex with another guy (personal insecurity on your bf’s part). Alas, some men like the “new” idea of polyamory (really only the name is fairly new) but hang onto the old patriarchal notions, such as the idea that they own their woman’s body, especially her pussy (but in that sexist view you’re not allowed to make the same claim to his cock). Your bf may also be concerned that if you accidentally get pregnant by another man, he (the bf) would end up having to support the other man’s child. But that argument cuts both ways: If he shares sex with another woman, who gets pregnant by him, he’s still liable for support. Yeah, it would be his own genes in the kid in that case, but he probably wouldn’t be happy about that situation either.

Unless you’re fixed or post-menopausal, use the pill or some other reasonably foolproof contraceptive. Use condoms (both of you) with anyone else to prevent STI spread. Then weigh the risks, remembering that nothing in life is 100% accident-proof. When I ride my bicycle, I always put on my helmet. When I slip into bed with a woman not my partner, I slide on a condom unless my partner and I agree otherwise. I might still get injured on my bike, or the condom might slip off; but for my partner and me this is an acceptable level of risk for the benefits to be derived.

If these approaches don’t change your bf’s mind, and if you consider it unethical to keep secrets from him, then you will have the choice of complying with his wishes or looking for a different bf, one with more egalitarian notions of how to conduct multiple relationships. Good luck!