Why relationship agreements help polyamorous arrangements work

My wife and I agreed to open our relationship and become polyamorous. In time we each had another lover. Then it came out, though, that my wife was sharing unprotected sex with her other guy. This shocked and upset me, because I figured that just from common sense she’d use condoms, for STI protection, even though we never explicitly talked about it. (She’s on the pill for pregnancy protection.) Should I make an issue of this? Is there any point at this late date to ask my wife to start using condoms with this particular lover?

—ChickenLittle

It isn’t enough for a couple simply to agree that sex with others is okay, and stop there. There are many details that should also be discussed, with agreement reached. Condom use is certainly one of the biggies.

A relationship agreement can be helpful even among monamorous (sexually exclusive) couples, to head off disputes and arguments later on because of lack of understanding. When practicing any variety of polyamory, a relationship agreement comes close to being essential.

Should you make the agreement written or oral? It may seem contentious or legalistic to write down your agreement. But human memory is notoriously faulty. Even with the best of intentions, we forget details or remember details differently from what was actually agreed. For these reasons I strongly favor writing agreements down.

Of course you can always change your agreement at any time. This includes changing what you may have said to each other during wedding vows. Maybe it was right for you at the time of the wedding, but you may feel differently now. The relationship is yours and yours alone (as long as the best interests of any kids are met, needless to say); it isn’t controlled by clergy or the government. So you can make of it what you want, but just be sure you discuss and agree on the details.

Use of protection with other lovers is probably the most common provision of agreements between poly partners. I agree with your “common sense” that condom use should be the default when sharing sex with others who also enjoy multiple sexual relationships. But never make assumptions. Some poly partners decide to use condoms with others every time, no exceptions. Some allow for case-by-case exceptions, based on a person’s history and on clean test results.

Something else that should go into your agreement is how much information you each agree to share: the mere existence of an outside relationship? Name? Meet first? Different polyamorists do that different ways, but again, you should come to some agreement so as to avoid unpleasant surprises.

Is there any point, you ask, in asking your wife and her other lover to start condom use at this late date? Yes. She might have just been lucky in not contracting something that he might have. Or he might pick something up from someone else in the future (since he’s already shown a willingness to go skin-to-skin), then pass it on to your wife, who could pass it to you. So unless you and your wife are satisfied that the other guy is clean and will stay that way, she and he should start using condoms now. And sit down and make that relationship agreement!