My bf and I are talking about trying polyamory. I’m bi; he’s straight. He wants the freedom to have relationships with other women that include sex, but he says he only wants me to share sex with other women, not other men. This hardly seems fair to me.
—Unequal Treatment
In this sort of situation, yes, it’s easy to say that this is not at all fair to you, and I agree. “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander” (and vice versa). On the other hand, the bottom line is that if everyone agrees, and no one is being hurt, then there’s nothing wrong. “Consenting adults” and all that.
But presumably you’ve already raised the fairness issue with your guy, and it didn’t get you anywhere. We need to look under the surface to explore why he takes this position. He may be fearful of losing you if you share sex with another guy (personal insecurity on your bf’s part). Alas, some men like the “new” idea of polyamory (really only the name is fairly new) but hang onto the old patriarchal notions, such as the idea that they own their woman’s body, especially her pussy (but in that sexist view you’re not allowed to make the same claim to his cock). Your bf may also be concerned that if you accidentally get pregnant by another man, he (the bf) would end up having to support the other man’s child. But that argument cuts both ways: If he shares sex with another woman, who gets pregnant by him, he’s still liable for support. Yeah, it would be his own genes in the kid in that case, but he probably wouldn’t be happy about that situation either.
Unless you’re fixed or post-menopausal, use the pill or some other reasonably foolproof contraceptive. Use condoms (both of you) with anyone else to prevent STI spread. Then weigh the risks, remembering that nothing in life is 100% accident-proof. When I ride my bicycle, I always put on my helmet. When I slip into bed with a woman not my partner, I slide on a condom unless my partner and I agree otherwise. I might still get injured on my bike, or the condom might slip off; but for my partner and me this is an acceptable level of risk for the benefits to be derived.
If these approaches don’t change your bf’s mind, and if you consider it unethical to keep secrets from him, then you will have the choice of complying with his wishes or looking for a different bf, one with more egalitarian notions of how to conduct multiple relationships. Good luck!
