My husband and I are in a triad with another man. So far there are no kids, but we might want to do that. How do we sort out who becomes the biological father?
—Between2Guys
One might think that as a general practice the legal husband in a long-standing MFM triad would do the honors in providing the genes for little one(s), but as with everything else in polyamory, practice varies. Yes, some do it that way. If more than one child is desired, the husband may father the first child, the other man the second.
I’ve heard of MFM triads who say, “We don’t know, and we don’t care which of our male partners fathered our child. We all love the child as any parent would.” That’s great, but there can occasionally be times when the genetic parentage is relevant, say, for inherited diseases. Of course, if such an issue arises in an MFM triad in which biological parentage is not known, DNA testing can provide the answer.
I know a married couple who lived a number of years with another guy, and the other guy fathered their one child. When he recently chose to separate, the child stayed with his mother and her husband. It appeared to me to be a healthy family. The boy, now 10, considers that he has two fathers, and often visits with his now separated bio father, as well has having his other father at home.
In another MFM triad, the original couple wanted children, but the man turned out to be unable to father children, because of a low sperm count. They brought in another male partner so they could have children, in addition to wanting to live in a triad. It worked: The female partner soon got pregnant by the new guy, with the original guy’s blessing and encouragement, and they were all happy.
So, as in other poly situations, the choice is yours as to which male partner in your triad fathers your kid (or the first one), or whether you want to leave that to chance.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Limiting sex with others in a polyamorous relationship
I am in a newly forming triad. One of us wants to keep the sex just within our own threesome family. To me this seems somehow contrary to the spirit of polyamory. Am I being nitpicky?
—Half&Half
As it happens, many poly triads do have that agreement to limit sex to within the family—and there is actually a word for it, “polyfidelity” (“polyfidelitous” in the adjective), or just “polyfi” for short. Polyfidelity is considered one variety of polyamory.
There can be various reasons for choosing polyfidelity. One is, of course, that by avoiding sexual contact with outsiders, and if the three of you are all tested disease-free, then you can be almost totally confident that you will not be contracting any STIs, as much so as for a mono couple (who don’t “cheat”). It may also be that with the sexual opportunities within a triad (or larger primary poly family), no one in the family will feel a desire for still more sexual involvements.
In the end, as usual, it boils down to what the three of you want. Yes, there are many polyfidelitous triads, but there are also many triads that are open to outside sex as well. (My own triad is in the latter group. It works for us.)
Since you mentioned that “one of you” wants to keep the sex at home but you implied that you feel otherwise, this may become an issue for your triad. As you discuss it among yourselves, see if you can find a position that you all can at least live comfortably with. How strongly do you really want the privilege of sex with others? Or might the person who prefers polyfidelity accept openness for you with a firm promise from you (say) to choose your other sex partners carefully and then always to use condoms? Talk it through (lovingly) among the three of you.
—Half&Half
As it happens, many poly triads do have that agreement to limit sex to within the family—and there is actually a word for it, “polyfidelity” (“polyfidelitous” in the adjective), or just “polyfi” for short. Polyfidelity is considered one variety of polyamory.
There can be various reasons for choosing polyfidelity. One is, of course, that by avoiding sexual contact with outsiders, and if the three of you are all tested disease-free, then you can be almost totally confident that you will not be contracting any STIs, as much so as for a mono couple (who don’t “cheat”). It may also be that with the sexual opportunities within a triad (or larger primary poly family), no one in the family will feel a desire for still more sexual involvements.
In the end, as usual, it boils down to what the three of you want. Yes, there are many polyfidelitous triads, but there are also many triads that are open to outside sex as well. (My own triad is in the latter group. It works for us.)
Since you mentioned that “one of you” wants to keep the sex at home but you implied that you feel otherwise, this may become an issue for your triad. As you discuss it among yourselves, see if you can find a position that you all can at least live comfortably with. How strongly do you really want the privilege of sex with others? Or might the person who prefers polyfidelity accept openness for you with a firm promise from you (say) to choose your other sex partners carefully and then always to use condoms? Talk it through (lovingly) among the three of you.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Why relationship agreements help polyamorous arrangements work
My wife and I agreed to open our relationship and become polyamorous. In time we each had another lover. Then it came out, though, that my wife was sharing unprotected sex with her other guy. This shocked and upset me, because I figured that just from common sense she’d use condoms, for STI protection, even though we never explicitly talked about it. (She’s on the pill for pregnancy protection.) Should I make an issue of this? Is there any point at this late date to ask my wife to start using condoms with this particular lover?
—ChickenLittle
It isn’t enough for a couple simply to agree that sex with others is okay, and stop there. There are many details that should also be discussed, with agreement reached. Condom use is certainly one of the biggies.
A relationship agreement can be helpful even among monamorous (sexually exclusive) couples, to head off disputes and arguments later on because of lack of understanding. When practicing any variety of polyamory, a relationship agreement comes close to being essential.
Should you make the agreement written or oral? It may seem contentious or legalistic to write down your agreement. But human memory is notoriously faulty. Even with the best of intentions, we forget details or remember details differently from what was actually agreed. For these reasons I strongly favor writing agreements down.
Of course you can always change your agreement at any time. This includes changing what you may have said to each other during wedding vows. Maybe it was right for you at the time of the wedding, but you may feel differently now. The relationship is yours and yours alone (as long as the best interests of any kids are met, needless to say); it isn’t controlled by clergy or the government. So you can make of it what you want, but just be sure you discuss and agree on the details.
Use of protection with other lovers is probably the most common provision of agreements between poly partners. I agree with your “common sense” that condom use should be the default when sharing sex with others who also enjoy multiple sexual relationships. But never make assumptions. Some poly partners decide to use condoms with others every time, no exceptions. Some allow for case-by-case exceptions, based on a person’s history and on clean test results.
Something else that should go into your agreement is how much information you each agree to share: the mere existence of an outside relationship? Name? Meet first? Different polyamorists do that different ways, but again, you should come to some agreement so as to avoid unpleasant surprises.
Is there any point, you ask, in asking your wife and her other lover to start condom use at this late date? Yes. She might have just been lucky in not contracting something that he might have. Or he might pick something up from someone else in the future (since he’s already shown a willingness to go skin-to-skin), then pass it on to your wife, who could pass it to you. So unless you and your wife are satisfied that the other guy is clean and will stay that way, she and he should start using condoms now. And sit down and make that relationship agreement!
—ChickenLittle
It isn’t enough for a couple simply to agree that sex with others is okay, and stop there. There are many details that should also be discussed, with agreement reached. Condom use is certainly one of the biggies.
A relationship agreement can be helpful even among monamorous (sexually exclusive) couples, to head off disputes and arguments later on because of lack of understanding. When practicing any variety of polyamory, a relationship agreement comes close to being essential.
Should you make the agreement written or oral? It may seem contentious or legalistic to write down your agreement. But human memory is notoriously faulty. Even with the best of intentions, we forget details or remember details differently from what was actually agreed. For these reasons I strongly favor writing agreements down.
Of course you can always change your agreement at any time. This includes changing what you may have said to each other during wedding vows. Maybe it was right for you at the time of the wedding, but you may feel differently now. The relationship is yours and yours alone (as long as the best interests of any kids are met, needless to say); it isn’t controlled by clergy or the government. So you can make of it what you want, but just be sure you discuss and agree on the details.
Use of protection with other lovers is probably the most common provision of agreements between poly partners. I agree with your “common sense” that condom use should be the default when sharing sex with others who also enjoy multiple sexual relationships. But never make assumptions. Some poly partners decide to use condoms with others every time, no exceptions. Some allow for case-by-case exceptions, based on a person’s history and on clean test results.
Something else that should go into your agreement is how much information you each agree to share: the mere existence of an outside relationship? Name? Meet first? Different polyamorists do that different ways, but again, you should come to some agreement so as to avoid unpleasant surprises.
Is there any point, you ask, in asking your wife and her other lover to start condom use at this late date? Yes. She might have just been lucky in not contracting something that he might have. Or he might pick something up from someone else in the future (since he’s already shown a willingness to go skin-to-skin), then pass it on to your wife, who could pass it to you. So unless you and your wife are satisfied that the other guy is clean and will stay that way, she and he should start using condoms now. And sit down and make that relationship agreement!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)