The difference between polyamory and swinging

My bf and I have done a little casual sexual playing with a couple who are close friends. They are in a swinging group and they asked us if we’d like them to invite us to a party. We didn’t give them a definite answer right then, because I don’t think I’d really relate well to a big group scene full of casual acquaintances or even total strangers. Am I being anti-poly?

—ReluctantGroupie

Polyamory and swinging are more different than alike, though both obviously include the element of agreeing to sex with other than one’s committed partner, as long as everyone knows what’s going on and agrees. You have highlighted one of the more fundamental differences between polyamory and swinging, that swinging is first and foremost about “recreational sex” (a term that swingers themselves use sometimes), minimizing or even avoiding emotional attachment to one’s sex partners of the moment, while polyamory focuses primarily on emotional connectedness, with sex as an accepted option.

That said, there is overlap. Many self-idenfitied swingers do form closer caring relationships with one or a few other swing club members and seek each other out at the parties. Many who call themselves polyamorists can enjoy a one-night stand or a hot orgy as well as forming caring partnerships that can include sex. There are lesser, secondary differences as well.

The polyamory community as a whole does not look down on swinging as somehow wrong or inappropriate; it’s just not where most of us want to go. You like tennis; I enjoy bowling. A fair number of people are active in both poly and swinging communities.

If your bf agrees, you might accept your friends’ invitation to try a swinging party, to see if you like it. (Just be sure you insist on protection with anyone you hook up with there.) Then you and your bf can talk about whether you want to continue with that or keep your focus just on the polyamory community and your local polyamory social group, or do both.

Can polyamory help my strained marriage?

My wife and I have been together 5 years, married 3. We’re feeling some strains in the relationship. I’m thinking that if we brought in someone else as a polyamorous lover, or one for each of us, that would add new zest to our own relationship and help restore the good times that we knew before. Do you agree?

—BumpingAlong

Not a good idea. Polyamory really needs a stable “primary” relationship (your home relationship) as a solid base. If you and your wife are experiencing some strains, as you say, bringing in a third person will more likely than not just lead to more serious problems between the two of you, rather than smoothing out the bumps.

Restoring your former good feelings is certainly a great goal to strive for, and should be doable with some sincere work by both of you. Be sure you are both communicating your feelings thoroughly with each other. Invite each other to share any hitherto unrevealed secrets, with a mutual promise not to blow up but to listen and understand with love and compassion. Read (together) some books on twosome relationship guidance. A professional relationship counselor might help. When your twosome relationship feels like it’s on solid ground and you’re both confident that you’ll want to keep going for the long haul, then and only then would be the time for the two of you to talk about whether you’d like to open your relationship to possible additional partners.

Of course after the two of you have worked through your issues, you may decide that polyamory is not the best course for the strength and health of your marriage, and your personal preferences. Active polyamorists generally agree that polyamory is not for everyone.