My bf and I have done a little casual sexual playing with a couple who are close friends. They are in a swinging group and they asked us if we’d like them to invite us to a party. We didn’t give them a definite answer right then, because I don’t think I’d really relate well to a big group scene full of casual acquaintances or even total strangers. Am I being anti-poly?
—ReluctantGroupie
Polyamory and swinging are more different than alike, though both obviously include the element of agreeing to sex with other than one’s committed partner, as long as everyone knows what’s going on and agrees. You have highlighted one of the more fundamental differences between polyamory and swinging, that swinging is first and foremost about “recreational sex” (a term that swingers themselves use sometimes), minimizing or even avoiding emotional attachment to one’s sex partners of the moment, while polyamory focuses primarily on emotional connectedness, with sex as an accepted option.
That said, there is overlap. Many self-idenfitied swingers do form closer caring relationships with one or a few other swing club members and seek each other out at the parties. Many who call themselves polyamorists can enjoy a one-night stand or a hot orgy as well as forming caring partnerships that can include sex. There are lesser, secondary differences as well.
The polyamory community as a whole does not look down on swinging as somehow wrong or inappropriate; it’s just not where most of us want to go. You like tennis; I enjoy bowling. A fair number of people are active in both poly and swinging communities.
If your bf agrees, you might accept your friends’ invitation to try a swinging party, to see if you like it. (Just be sure you insist on protection with anyone you hook up with there.) Then you and your bf can talk about whether you want to continue with that or keep your focus just on the polyamory community and your local polyamory social group, or do both.
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