My wife and I have been together 5 years, married 3. We’re feeling some strains in the relationship. I’m thinking that if we brought in someone else as a polyamorous lover, or one for each of us, that would add new zest to our own relationship and help restore the good times that we knew before. Do you agree?
—BumpingAlong
Not a good idea. Polyamory really needs a stable “primary” relationship (your home relationship) as a solid base. If you and your wife are experiencing some strains, as you say, bringing in a third person will more likely than not just lead to more serious problems between the two of you, rather than smoothing out the bumps.
Restoring your former good feelings is certainly a great goal to strive for, and should be doable with some sincere work by both of you. Be sure you are both communicating your feelings thoroughly with each other. Invite each other to share any hitherto unrevealed secrets, with a mutual promise not to blow up but to listen and understand with love and compassion. Read (together) some books on twosome relationship guidance. A professional relationship counselor might help. When your twosome relationship feels like it’s on solid ground and you’re both confident that you’ll want to keep going for the long haul, then and only then would be the time for the two of you to talk about whether you’d like to open your relationship to possible additional partners.
Of course after the two of you have worked through your issues, you may decide that polyamory is not the best course for the strength and health of your marriage, and your personal preferences. Active polyamorists generally agree that polyamory is not for everyone.
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