The idea of polyamory for my wife and myself sounds good to me in my head, but then when I actually contemplate her being sexual with another guy, I get pangs of jealousy. For this reason we’ve never actually tried it, even though I love my wife dearly and so I don’t want to fence her in. Should I just swallow my feelings and smile and pretend that everything is sweetness and light?
—GreenEyes
The simple answer to your question, GE, is, no, you should not just swallow your feelings. That’s always a bad idea (whether jealousy or other emotions), because they’ll eat away at you physically as well as emotionally, and they’ll pop out eventually, maybe in a bigger and very unpleasant way. Express yourself.
The good news is that jealousy is not innate; it’s learned, and therefore can be unlearned. Jealousy itself is not a basic emotion, but is a combination of other feelings, typically fear (of abandonment or loss), insecurity, low self-esteem, and the like.
That said, you didn’t comment on how solid your relationship with your wife is. Maybe it feels sorta tenuous to you, so you feel that you have good reason to fear that you might lose your wife if she gets emotionally and physically close with someone else. So, as your first step I’d suggest sitting down with your wife and talking about just how secure your twosome relationship is. If there are any concerns, big or little, work through them. There are zillions of guidebooks out there for improving relationships. Most of them have good, sound advice (unless, of course, they claim that sexual exclusivity is the only healthy model for a relationship). There are also many good relationship counselors, though of course you’d want to pick one who accepts the validity of polyamory.
Then if you’re confident that your home relationship is on solid ground, and you still feel jealousy, you can address that issue, exploring why it’s popped up in you, and work to grow beyond it.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Polyamorous with kids -- should we keep it a secret?
My husband and I have kids ages 10 and 8. We both have secondary sweeties. How can we best keep inappropriate information about our outside relationships from our children?
—PolyParents
Children are amazingly astute about picking up things that they aren’t being told, or contrary to what they’re told. If there’s a conflict between what they’re told and what they see, they’ll believe what they see (and wonder what awful secret their parents are trying to keep from them by hiding it or lying about it).
For children such as yours who are too young to understand romance and sex yet, a good approach when referring to this other person that Mommy or Daddy often talks to on the phone and goes out with a lot is to refer to them as “special friends”. Little kids understand the concept of “special friends”; they often have special friends themselves.
As children pass puberty and come to understand sex, I feel it is better to be clear and open with them about any sexual component in our relationships with those “special friends”, while honoring privacy expectations. Again, if we cover it up, the kids will wonder why their parents are being secretive. It also sends the wrong message that polyamory is somehow shameful. Mommy and Daddy love each other a lot, and one way they show this to each other is by sharing sex. Mommy also cares a lot for her “special friend Joe”, so she and he like to share sex too. And because Daddy loves Mommy so much, he’s happy that Mommy is getting this extra joy in her life. (Thus children also learn about compersion.)
As children become mature enough to understand sex, they’re also mature enough to understand that not all information should be blabbed to friends, grandparents, teachers, etc., if you are trying to stay partially or totally in the poly closet (and sometimes there are good reasons to do so), as well as just to honor other people’s privacy. In this way your kids will come to have a healthy and realistic understanding about what polyamory is (and is not).
—PolyParents
Children are amazingly astute about picking up things that they aren’t being told, or contrary to what they’re told. If there’s a conflict between what they’re told and what they see, they’ll believe what they see (and wonder what awful secret their parents are trying to keep from them by hiding it or lying about it).
For children such as yours who are too young to understand romance and sex yet, a good approach when referring to this other person that Mommy or Daddy often talks to on the phone and goes out with a lot is to refer to them as “special friends”. Little kids understand the concept of “special friends”; they often have special friends themselves.
As children pass puberty and come to understand sex, I feel it is better to be clear and open with them about any sexual component in our relationships with those “special friends”, while honoring privacy expectations. Again, if we cover it up, the kids will wonder why their parents are being secretive. It also sends the wrong message that polyamory is somehow shameful. Mommy and Daddy love each other a lot, and one way they show this to each other is by sharing sex. Mommy also cares a lot for her “special friend Joe”, so she and he like to share sex too. And because Daddy loves Mommy so much, he’s happy that Mommy is getting this extra joy in her life. (Thus children also learn about compersion.)
As children become mature enough to understand sex, they’re also mature enough to understand that not all information should be blabbed to friends, grandparents, teachers, etc., if you are trying to stay partially or totally in the poly closet (and sometimes there are good reasons to do so), as well as just to honor other people’s privacy. In this way your kids will come to have a healthy and realistic understanding about what polyamory is (and is not).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)