The idea of polyamory for my wife and myself sounds good to me in my head, but then when I actually contemplate her being sexual with another guy, I get pangs of jealousy. For this reason we’ve never actually tried it, even though I love my wife dearly and so I don’t want to fence her in. Should I just swallow my feelings and smile and pretend that everything is sweetness and light?
—GreenEyes
The simple answer to your question, GE, is, no, you should not just swallow your feelings. That’s always a bad idea (whether jealousy or other emotions), because they’ll eat away at you physically as well as emotionally, and they’ll pop out eventually, maybe in a bigger and very unpleasant way. Express yourself.
The good news is that jealousy is not innate; it’s learned, and therefore can be unlearned. Jealousy itself is not a basic emotion, but is a combination of other feelings, typically fear (of abandonment or loss), insecurity, low self-esteem, and the like.
That said, you didn’t comment on how solid your relationship with your wife is. Maybe it feels sorta tenuous to you, so you feel that you have good reason to fear that you might lose your wife if she gets emotionally and physically close with someone else. So, as your first step I’d suggest sitting down with your wife and talking about just how secure your twosome relationship is. If there are any concerns, big or little, work through them. There are zillions of guidebooks out there for improving relationships. Most of them have good, sound advice (unless, of course, they claim that sexual exclusivity is the only healthy model for a relationship). There are also many good relationship counselors, though of course you’d want to pick one who accepts the validity of polyamory.
Then if you’re confident that your home relationship is on solid ground, and you still feel jealousy, you can address that issue, exploring why it’s popped up in you, and work to grow beyond it.
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