I am in a newly forming triad. One of us wants to keep the sex just within our own threesome family. To me this seems somehow contrary to the spirit of polyamory. Am I being nitpicky?
—Half&Half
As it happens, many poly triads do have that agreement to limit sex to within the family—and there is actually a word for it, “polyfidelity” (“polyfidelitous” in the adjective), or just “polyfi” for short. Polyfidelity is considered one variety of polyamory.
There can be various reasons for choosing polyfidelity. One is, of course, that by avoiding sexual contact with outsiders, and if the three of you are all tested disease-free, then you can be almost totally confident that you will not be contracting any STIs, as much so as for a mono couple (who don’t “cheat”). It may also be that with the sexual opportunities within a triad (or larger primary poly family), no one in the family will feel a desire for still more sexual involvements.
In the end, as usual, it boils down to what the three of you want. Yes, there are many polyfidelitous triads, but there are also many triads that are open to outside sex as well. (My own triad is in the latter group. It works for us.)
Since you mentioned that “one of you” wants to keep the sex at home but you implied that you feel otherwise, this may become an issue for your triad. As you discuss it among yourselves, see if you can find a position that you all can at least live comfortably with. How strongly do you really want the privilege of sex with others? Or might the person who prefers polyfidelity accept openness for you with a firm promise from you (say) to choose your other sex partners carefully and then always to use condoms? Talk it through (lovingly) among the three of you.
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