My husband and I have kids ages 10 and 8. We both have secondary sweeties. How can we best keep inappropriate information about our outside relationships from our children?
—PolyParents
Children are amazingly astute about picking up things that they aren’t being told, or contrary to what they’re told. If there’s a conflict between what they’re told and what they see, they’ll believe what they see (and wonder what awful secret their parents are trying to keep from them by hiding it or lying about it).
For children such as yours who are too young to understand romance and sex yet, a good approach when referring to this other person that Mommy or Daddy often talks to on the phone and goes out with a lot is to refer to them as “special friends”. Little kids understand the concept of “special friends”; they often have special friends themselves.
As children pass puberty and come to understand sex, I feel it is better to be clear and open with them about any sexual component in our relationships with those “special friends”, while honoring privacy expectations. Again, if we cover it up, the kids will wonder why their parents are being secretive. It also sends the wrong message that polyamory is somehow shameful. Mommy and Daddy love each other a lot, and one way they show this to each other is by sharing sex. Mommy also cares a lot for her “special friend Joe”, so she and he like to share sex too. And because Daddy loves Mommy so much, he’s happy that Mommy is getting this extra joy in her life. (Thus children also learn about compersion.)
As children become mature enough to understand sex, they’re also mature enough to understand that not all information should be blabbed to friends, grandparents, teachers, etc., if you are trying to stay partially or totally in the poly closet (and sometimes there are good reasons to do so), as well as just to honor other people’s privacy. In this way your kids will come to have a healthy and realistic understanding about what polyamory is (and is not).
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Is polyamory still cheating if we both agree to it?
My wife has suggested that we open our relationship to polyamory, but I was raised to believe that cheating is flat wrong. Am I being a fuddy-duddy?
—OldFashioned
“Cheating” means going against the agreed rules or one’s personal vows or agreements. If a couple has vowed to stay sexually exclusive, then sex between either of them and anyone else is cheating. But if they have a different agreement, then what is or is not cheating is also different.
Agreements aren’t always explicit. As two people move beyond the first date toward becoming an established couple, certainly they should at some point sit down and come to some explicit agreements about how they’ll conduct their relationship, including whether or not they’ll be monamorous (sexually exclusive) or polyamorous, and with what conditions. But, alas, this does not always happen. As that couple relationship becomes more firmly established, if no explicit agreement is made, a tacit assumption often gradually arises that neither will indulge in sex with anyone else, just because for a long time that has been the cultural norm. It then becomes a shock and a severe strain on the relationship (maybe breaking it irrevocably) when contrary facts come out.
Never make assumptions: it’s relationship poison. Always talk things out in advance, and come to an explicit agreement.
Let’s say that you and your partner have made promises of exclusivity at some point in the past. Maybe it was in your wedding vows (“forsaking all others”), or you just sat down and agreed to that. Polyamory does not say that people should follow their whim of the moment, ignoring vows or agreements, and damn the consequences. Indeed, the two cornerstones of polyamory are openness and honesty. Stick by your agreements, or change them together if you feel they no longer serve you. If you go behind your partner’s back, that is not polyamory. It’s still cheating, and you were raised well to know not to do that.
So is it possible for a polyamorist to cheat? Certainly, by going against whatever agreements have been made with partners. A common poly agreement is condom use with anyone outside the partnership. So, if the agreement between primary partners A and B calls for protection with others, and if A goes skin-to-skin with a secondary C without first clearing it with B, that’s cheating. But the act of sex itself between A and C is not cheating because A and B have agreed to that, with any limitations specified.
—OldFashioned
“Cheating” means going against the agreed rules or one’s personal vows or agreements. If a couple has vowed to stay sexually exclusive, then sex between either of them and anyone else is cheating. But if they have a different agreement, then what is or is not cheating is also different.
Agreements aren’t always explicit. As two people move beyond the first date toward becoming an established couple, certainly they should at some point sit down and come to some explicit agreements about how they’ll conduct their relationship, including whether or not they’ll be monamorous (sexually exclusive) or polyamorous, and with what conditions. But, alas, this does not always happen. As that couple relationship becomes more firmly established, if no explicit agreement is made, a tacit assumption often gradually arises that neither will indulge in sex with anyone else, just because for a long time that has been the cultural norm. It then becomes a shock and a severe strain on the relationship (maybe breaking it irrevocably) when contrary facts come out.
Never make assumptions: it’s relationship poison. Always talk things out in advance, and come to an explicit agreement.
Let’s say that you and your partner have made promises of exclusivity at some point in the past. Maybe it was in your wedding vows (“forsaking all others”), or you just sat down and agreed to that. Polyamory does not say that people should follow their whim of the moment, ignoring vows or agreements, and damn the consequences. Indeed, the two cornerstones of polyamory are openness and honesty. Stick by your agreements, or change them together if you feel they no longer serve you. If you go behind your partner’s back, that is not polyamory. It’s still cheating, and you were raised well to know not to do that.
So is it possible for a polyamorist to cheat? Certainly, by going against whatever agreements have been made with partners. A common poly agreement is condom use with anyone outside the partnership. So, if the agreement between primary partners A and B calls for protection with others, and if A goes skin-to-skin with a secondary C without first clearing it with B, that’s cheating. But the act of sex itself between A and C is not cheating because A and B have agreed to that, with any limitations specified.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
We want to form a polyamorous triad, but we're all straight
I’m a straight poly male. My wife, another woman, and I all love each other and want to form a triad, but the women are also both straight, and so they are not interested in sex with each other. Would this triad be doomed? —InTheMiddle
Not at all. Polyamory is first and foremost about the emotional aspect, the loving feelings, which you’ve said you all feel in all combinations. That’s the essential ingredient. Who shares sex with whom and under what circumstances, or not at all, is secondary. There are numerous successful triads in which the partners of the same gender share sex not with each other but only with their shared partner of the other gender. The nonsexual partners still have a strong caring bond between them. There can even be asexual triads.
In your situation, your two women might enjoy giving you sexual pleasure simultaneously, even though not pleasuring each other. That’s one option. Or you can enjoy twosomes with each of them separately. And then the three of you can enjoy nonsexual activities all together, living together or not.
The same principle would apply, of course, if the genders were reversed from your own situation—one woman with two straight male lovers. I’ve also heard of other “V” combinations, such as a lesbian, a bi woman, and a man.
Not at all. Polyamory is first and foremost about the emotional aspect, the loving feelings, which you’ve said you all feel in all combinations. That’s the essential ingredient. Who shares sex with whom and under what circumstances, or not at all, is secondary. There are numerous successful triads in which the partners of the same gender share sex not with each other but only with their shared partner of the other gender. The nonsexual partners still have a strong caring bond between them. There can even be asexual triads.
In your situation, your two women might enjoy giving you sexual pleasure simultaneously, even though not pleasuring each other. That’s one option. Or you can enjoy twosomes with each of them separately. And then the three of you can enjoy nonsexual activities all together, living together or not.
The same principle would apply, of course, if the genders were reversed from your own situation—one woman with two straight male lovers. I’ve also heard of other “V” combinations, such as a lesbian, a bi woman, and a man.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
It's polyamory, not polygamy
When I told a friend that I have a wife and a girlfriend, he asked, “Oh, so you’re a polygamist?” How can I respond to such a misunderstanding?
—NotIntoHarems
Alas, some people confuse polyamory with polygamy (and polygamy with polygyny). There are several fundamental differences, which you can explain when you get a comment like that.
For starters, polyamory is totally egalitarian among the genders. Polyamorous women can and do have loving relationships with multiple men as much as men have relationships with women. With a poly MF couple, the man sometimes has an outside relationship, or the woman, or both. There are many polyamorous FMF triads, but also many MFM triads (and MMM and FFF triads among gays and lesbians). There are also larger poly groupings, cohabiting or not, comprised of four or more, in all the gender combinations, involved with each other sexually in all the mathematical permutations, depending on orientation and personal desire.
So, polyamory is the practice of multiple emotionally loving relationships, with honesty and full communication, and those relationships may include sex as desired and agreed. Nothing is said of gender. In contrast, polygamy as practiced now or in the past by some religious groups or other cultures typically has entailed the right of men to have multiple wives or female partners, but the women are not allowed the same right to take on two or more male partners. Strictly speaking, this is “polygyny”. (The opposite is “polyandry”, a woman having two or more male partners, which has also been practiced in some places in some periods.)
Also, polygamy is about multiple marriages (or equivalent committed relationships). Polyamory also encompasses long-term committed relationships but can include less involved “secondary” or dating relationships as well (we might say “relationships lite”), where there is a commitment to treating each other fairly and honestly but not necessarily an expectation of long duration, sharing finances and residence, and all that.
—NotIntoHarems
Alas, some people confuse polyamory with polygamy (and polygamy with polygyny). There are several fundamental differences, which you can explain when you get a comment like that.
For starters, polyamory is totally egalitarian among the genders. Polyamorous women can and do have loving relationships with multiple men as much as men have relationships with women. With a poly MF couple, the man sometimes has an outside relationship, or the woman, or both. There are many polyamorous FMF triads, but also many MFM triads (and MMM and FFF triads among gays and lesbians). There are also larger poly groupings, cohabiting or not, comprised of four or more, in all the gender combinations, involved with each other sexually in all the mathematical permutations, depending on orientation and personal desire.
So, polyamory is the practice of multiple emotionally loving relationships, with honesty and full communication, and those relationships may include sex as desired and agreed. Nothing is said of gender. In contrast, polygamy as practiced now or in the past by some religious groups or other cultures typically has entailed the right of men to have multiple wives or female partners, but the women are not allowed the same right to take on two or more male partners. Strictly speaking, this is “polygyny”. (The opposite is “polyandry”, a woman having two or more male partners, which has also been practiced in some places in some periods.)
Also, polygamy is about multiple marriages (or equivalent committed relationships). Polyamory also encompasses long-term committed relationships but can include less involved “secondary” or dating relationships as well (we might say “relationships lite”), where there is a commitment to treating each other fairly and honestly but not necessarily an expectation of long duration, sharing finances and residence, and all that.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Being fair in polyamorous relationships
My bf and I are talking about trying polyamory. I’m bi; he’s straight. He wants the freedom to have relationships with other women that include sex, but he says he only wants me to share sex with other women, not other men. This hardly seems fair to me.
—Unequal Treatment
In this sort of situation, yes, it’s easy to say that this is not at all fair to you, and I agree. “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander” (and vice versa). On the other hand, the bottom line is that if everyone agrees, and no one is being hurt, then there’s nothing wrong. “Consenting adults” and all that.
But presumably you’ve already raised the fairness issue with your guy, and it didn’t get you anywhere. We need to look under the surface to explore why he takes this position. He may be fearful of losing you if you share sex with another guy (personal insecurity on your bf’s part). Alas, some men like the “new” idea of polyamory (really only the name is fairly new) but hang onto the old patriarchal notions, such as the idea that they own their woman’s body, especially her pussy (but in that sexist view you’re not allowed to make the same claim to his cock). Your bf may also be concerned that if you accidentally get pregnant by another man, he (the bf) would end up having to support the other man’s child. But that argument cuts both ways: If he shares sex with another woman, who gets pregnant by him, he’s still liable for support. Yeah, it would be his own genes in the kid in that case, but he probably wouldn’t be happy about that situation either.
Unless you’re fixed or post-menopausal, use the pill or some other reasonably foolproof contraceptive. Use condoms (both of you) with anyone else to prevent STI spread. Then weigh the risks, remembering that nothing in life is 100% accident-proof. When I ride my bicycle, I always put on my helmet. When I slip into bed with a woman not my partner, I slide on a condom unless my partner and I agree otherwise. I might still get injured on my bike, or the condom might slip off; but for my partner and me this is an acceptable level of risk for the benefits to be derived.
If these approaches don’t change your bf’s mind, and if you consider it unethical to keep secrets from him, then you will have the choice of complying with his wishes or looking for a different bf, one with more egalitarian notions of how to conduct multiple relationships. Good luck!
—Unequal Treatment
In this sort of situation, yes, it’s easy to say that this is not at all fair to you, and I agree. “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander” (and vice versa). On the other hand, the bottom line is that if everyone agrees, and no one is being hurt, then there’s nothing wrong. “Consenting adults” and all that.
But presumably you’ve already raised the fairness issue with your guy, and it didn’t get you anywhere. We need to look under the surface to explore why he takes this position. He may be fearful of losing you if you share sex with another guy (personal insecurity on your bf’s part). Alas, some men like the “new” idea of polyamory (really only the name is fairly new) but hang onto the old patriarchal notions, such as the idea that they own their woman’s body, especially her pussy (but in that sexist view you’re not allowed to make the same claim to his cock). Your bf may also be concerned that if you accidentally get pregnant by another man, he (the bf) would end up having to support the other man’s child. But that argument cuts both ways: If he shares sex with another woman, who gets pregnant by him, he’s still liable for support. Yeah, it would be his own genes in the kid in that case, but he probably wouldn’t be happy about that situation either.
Unless you’re fixed or post-menopausal, use the pill or some other reasonably foolproof contraceptive. Use condoms (both of you) with anyone else to prevent STI spread. Then weigh the risks, remembering that nothing in life is 100% accident-proof. When I ride my bicycle, I always put on my helmet. When I slip into bed with a woman not my partner, I slide on a condom unless my partner and I agree otherwise. I might still get injured on my bike, or the condom might slip off; but for my partner and me this is an acceptable level of risk for the benefits to be derived.
If these approaches don’t change your bf’s mind, and if you consider it unethical to keep secrets from him, then you will have the choice of complying with his wishes or looking for a different bf, one with more egalitarian notions of how to conduct multiple relationships. Good luck!
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