When I told a friend that I have a wife and a girlfriend, he asked, “Oh, so you’re a polygamist?” How can I respond to such a misunderstanding?
—NotIntoHarems
Alas, some people confuse polyamory with polygamy (and polygamy with polygyny). There are several fundamental differences, which you can explain when you get a comment like that.
For starters, polyamory is totally egalitarian among the genders. Polyamorous women can and do have loving relationships with multiple men as much as men have relationships with women. With a poly MF couple, the man sometimes has an outside relationship, or the woman, or both. There are many polyamorous FMF triads, but also many MFM triads (and MMM and FFF triads among gays and lesbians). There are also larger poly groupings, cohabiting or not, comprised of four or more, in all the gender combinations, involved with each other sexually in all the mathematical permutations, depending on orientation and personal desire.
So, polyamory is the practice of multiple emotionally loving relationships, with honesty and full communication, and those relationships may include sex as desired and agreed. Nothing is said of gender. In contrast, polygamy as practiced now or in the past by some religious groups or other cultures typically has entailed the right of men to have multiple wives or female partners, but the women are not allowed the same right to take on two or more male partners. Strictly speaking, this is “polygyny”. (The opposite is “polyandry”, a woman having two or more male partners, which has also been practiced in some places in some periods.)
Also, polygamy is about multiple marriages (or equivalent committed relationships). Polyamory also encompasses long-term committed relationships but can include less involved “secondary” or dating relationships as well (we might say “relationships lite”), where there is a commitment to treating each other fairly and honestly but not necessarily an expectation of long duration, sharing finances and residence, and all that.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Monday, March 10, 2014
Being fair in polyamorous relationships
My bf and I are talking about trying polyamory. I’m bi; he’s straight. He wants the freedom to have relationships with other women that include sex, but he says he only wants me to share sex with other women, not other men. This hardly seems fair to me.
—Unequal Treatment
In this sort of situation, yes, it’s easy to say that this is not at all fair to you, and I agree. “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander” (and vice versa). On the other hand, the bottom line is that if everyone agrees, and no one is being hurt, then there’s nothing wrong. “Consenting adults” and all that.
But presumably you’ve already raised the fairness issue with your guy, and it didn’t get you anywhere. We need to look under the surface to explore why he takes this position. He may be fearful of losing you if you share sex with another guy (personal insecurity on your bf’s part). Alas, some men like the “new” idea of polyamory (really only the name is fairly new) but hang onto the old patriarchal notions, such as the idea that they own their woman’s body, especially her pussy (but in that sexist view you’re not allowed to make the same claim to his cock). Your bf may also be concerned that if you accidentally get pregnant by another man, he (the bf) would end up having to support the other man’s child. But that argument cuts both ways: If he shares sex with another woman, who gets pregnant by him, he’s still liable for support. Yeah, it would be his own genes in the kid in that case, but he probably wouldn’t be happy about that situation either.
Unless you’re fixed or post-menopausal, use the pill or some other reasonably foolproof contraceptive. Use condoms (both of you) with anyone else to prevent STI spread. Then weigh the risks, remembering that nothing in life is 100% accident-proof. When I ride my bicycle, I always put on my helmet. When I slip into bed with a woman not my partner, I slide on a condom unless my partner and I agree otherwise. I might still get injured on my bike, or the condom might slip off; but for my partner and me this is an acceptable level of risk for the benefits to be derived.
If these approaches don’t change your bf’s mind, and if you consider it unethical to keep secrets from him, then you will have the choice of complying with his wishes or looking for a different bf, one with more egalitarian notions of how to conduct multiple relationships. Good luck!
—Unequal Treatment
In this sort of situation, yes, it’s easy to say that this is not at all fair to you, and I agree. “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander” (and vice versa). On the other hand, the bottom line is that if everyone agrees, and no one is being hurt, then there’s nothing wrong. “Consenting adults” and all that.
But presumably you’ve already raised the fairness issue with your guy, and it didn’t get you anywhere. We need to look under the surface to explore why he takes this position. He may be fearful of losing you if you share sex with another guy (personal insecurity on your bf’s part). Alas, some men like the “new” idea of polyamory (really only the name is fairly new) but hang onto the old patriarchal notions, such as the idea that they own their woman’s body, especially her pussy (but in that sexist view you’re not allowed to make the same claim to his cock). Your bf may also be concerned that if you accidentally get pregnant by another man, he (the bf) would end up having to support the other man’s child. But that argument cuts both ways: If he shares sex with another woman, who gets pregnant by him, he’s still liable for support. Yeah, it would be his own genes in the kid in that case, but he probably wouldn’t be happy about that situation either.
Unless you’re fixed or post-menopausal, use the pill or some other reasonably foolproof contraceptive. Use condoms (both of you) with anyone else to prevent STI spread. Then weigh the risks, remembering that nothing in life is 100% accident-proof. When I ride my bicycle, I always put on my helmet. When I slip into bed with a woman not my partner, I slide on a condom unless my partner and I agree otherwise. I might still get injured on my bike, or the condom might slip off; but for my partner and me this is an acceptable level of risk for the benefits to be derived.
If these approaches don’t change your bf’s mind, and if you consider it unethical to keep secrets from him, then you will have the choice of complying with his wishes or looking for a different bf, one with more egalitarian notions of how to conduct multiple relationships. Good luck!
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